Marionette Strings

As I lay in my trunk that is tucked in the corner of the room

My lifeless body waiting for the moment that I get to perform again

For now, I lay “sleeping” with visions of the future in my head

Today is the day

I am woken by the sound of the trunk lid opening

Finally, my time to shine

My puppeteer leans over and picks me up into their hands

Their eyes look over my body

I can feel a wardrobe change is in order

Out with the old,

On with the new,

A fresh look to impress the audience today

Oh, how I cannot wait to perform for them

My puppeteer takes me into the other room to help me,

I can never seem to remember my lines

So, they help me rehearse

Looking sharp with my new clothes

I feel like a million dollars,

Even though inside I know I am not worth that much

As my puppeteer moves my strings I dance through the air,

Reciting my lines to prepare for the big show

I can see my reflection in a mirror

How amazing I look

Practice goes extremely well, and I feel as though I have made my puppeteer happy

The first show of the day is here,

My time to shine

All the rehearsing, wardrobe changes, time spent has come to this

I finally get to show the world who I am

The stage is set,

My puppeteer grabs my strings and prepares to guide me through the show

Our first stage is home,

Waking up and getting ready for the day ahead

Not forgetting to brush my teeth,

Small circles,

Repeat,

Put in that work for the shining smile

Change out of the comfortable clothes

Put on the standard work outfit,

Polo, jeans, shoes

Grab my coffee

Head out the door into my car,

Time to drive to work

Arriving at work,

I feel off,

Like something isn’t right today

My puppeteer keeps the story moving,

Headed to my desk to start the day

Begin pounding on the keyboard,

500 emails to go through,

Going to be a long day

But,

It still feels different

Everything goes as expected through my day

Time to head home

Our final scene,

I have a wardrobe change into some comfortable clothes

So, I can kick back,

Relaxation is key

Still cannot shake the feeling I had earlier,

It is eating at my stomach and head

My puppeteer has something up their sleeve

As I sit to try and understand what I am feeling,

I notice there is someone else holding my strings,

What happened to my puppeteer?

This is not the right person,

Who has been driving my decisions?

This explains my uneasy feeling,

I never knew that I would be influenced in such a way,

My strings have taken me outside,

Being shown where to go,

Even though I am not willing,

I cannot resist…

I feel stuck,

As I glance into the setting sun,

I realized that today was my last day,

My show had come to end

It was a great run,

But my new puppeteer has no need for me,

They have a new automated robot

I have been replaced,

Into the trunk for me, I will never see the light of day for a long time…

Breath Taken Away

I

Can’t

Breathe

I

Can’t

Breathe

The phrase of a man not resisting,

Not struggling,

Except for trying to take life essential oxygen into his lungs

The world we live in

So much taken for granted,

Yet,

I will never truly understand the struggle,

I will gladly stand next to you,

To be a shoulder to cry on,

Allowing someone to share their pain,

Frustration,

But never taking for granted their breath of air that they have taken,

No,

I cannot truly walk in your shoes,

However,

I can see the pain written on so many faces,

The struggle to take in that life-giving force,

Filling our lungs so that our bodies can continue doing what we need them to do,

Stolen,

Broken,

The struggle of not being able to breathe,

Much like an asthmatic who cannot find their rescue inhaler,

Rescue,

Like in the need of medication to breathe freely with no weight on your chest

We need to pull our brothers and sisters up from the ground,

Give them our ears,

Lend them our time,

Show them love and patience,

For not being able to breathe is like living underwater,

The weight of this world crashing down around us,

Yet,

We still don’t have the time of day to listen,

So many times, do we make something about us,

When there are social injustices happening everywhere,

To think as a nation, we have come so far in aspects we never dreamed of,

Yet we are stuck on the most simplistic things that so many have fought for,

Social injustice needs to stop,

To think someone would think of their 4-year-old daughter as their protector,

As they would be judged otherwise walking in a neighborhood,

What world is this?

The brutality and betrayal of humans is beyond measurable,

I

Can’t

Breathe

Words that are uttered from a man pleading for his life,

How can anyone let that sit on their conscious and not feel remorse,

We need to break this vicious cycle,

I will say it again,

I will never truly understand,

But,

I will stand by you and be there whatever that may mean

For in my eyes,

We are all human beings,

We are all here for a purpose,

I cannot stop my heart from bleeding out to those who are hurting,

Misunderstood,

Afraid to be in their own skin,

No one should ever feel this way,

With great power,

Comes great responsibility,

We need to grasp this phrase,

And understand that we have the power to make a change,

We must stand up,

We must be proud,

We must let them know,

Black Lives Matter.

Pressurized Cabin

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,
Welcome aboard this flight destined for the corners of your mind,
This trip is going to be like no other,
So please sit back and enjoy the flight.
Today we will be cruising at an altitude of mediocre,
Here we are safe and won’t hit any turbulence,
Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened,
As we would hate for you to escape from seeing the reality of your mind,
No worries though the cabin is pressurized,
This is to help with the constant migraines,
Pressure headaches,
As well as swollen eyes,
We need you to be able to see all of this in High-Definition.
The in-flight movie will be who you are,
Where you have come from,
And the final destination is where we are headed.
Please keep the aisles clear,
As the airline attendants will need to pass through with drinks,
Small packages of pretzels,
Those tiny pretzels,
Plus, they will want to make sure that you are as comfortable as you can be,
This journey is not the beginning,
Nor is it the end,
But your life is what you decide to make of it,
You are the master of your destiny,
As you are telling the aircraft where to go,
Sure, it becomes uncomfortable,
Especially being stuck in the middle seat
Next to two people who haven’t showered in weeks,
And won’t give up the armrests,
Other times you are in first class,
Drinking the best wine,
Enjoying free food,
Better snacks,
Actual meals that are filled with deliciousness,
Not those damn small pretzels.
Please refrain from using your cell phones
Take the time to actually converse with those around you,
Enjoy the ability to communicate,
As one day you might not be able to say what you want,
Show someone how much you really care,
Stuck,
Lost and alone in your confined box within your mind.
Thank you for choosing us to fly with today,
Keep your carry-on items under the seat in front of you,
Please enjoy the remainder of the flight,
We are so happy you are here
Rest your eyes,
Let us be your guide,
To the center of your mind…

Silence

Sometimes,

Silence is violent

A pin drop can shatter your vision of reality

As you are closed off from the world around you

The lack of sound within your mind,

Reminds you of how alone you are in your own mind.

People surround us and fill us with a false sense of security

You don’t know who you truly are,

Prepare yourself to search within your soul,

What people think about you doesn’t matter,

For it is your time locked away in the silence of you mind,

That strips you down to your essence,

Naked as the day you were born,

Without sound you are forced to deal with your own thoughts

People try to tear us down,

We are ashamed to show them our true selves

This is why silence can be violent

As it forces us to deal with everything going on inside our minds,

It can cause turmoil,

Pain and strife within as we deal with our own emotions

Fear not for the silence will show you things about who you are,

Take the time to sit and reflect,

Remember that your time is precious,

Life is too short to not focus on yourself,

Enjoy the sounds that surround you,

Take everything in and embrace it,

When taking that drive,

Remember to open the windows,

Feel the breeze in your hair,

But,

Turn down the radio to enjoy the sounds outside of your car

It is true the Silence can be violence,

Yet it can truly set you free

Guilt of Loss

Losing your parent is difficult,

It doesn’t matter how long you had with them,

It is still an earth-shattering and

Traumatic event in one’s life

 

Your life has been turned upside down

Scrambling to understand all that has happened

For your soul can not handle all the feelings

Each moment a new expression of you

 

As hard as it can be; you cannot blame yourself,

You are lost,

In a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts

Constantly swirling around you,

 

A true chaotic series of moments,

One racing in to push away the previous,

Constant fighting and turmoil,

You are drowning in your own fear

 

No one can make it all go away,

Tomorrow is never guaranteed,

But know that they are looking down on you,

Smiling and proud of who you have become

 

Even though we can no longer see them,

They are there guiding and supporting us,

Making sure we feel their love every day

It isn’t a true goodbye,

 

It is a; I will see you later,

For this life is merely a temporary home,

Until we see each other again

Pressure Within

My condition isn’t always visible on the outside,

For it lurks within

The pressure ever increasing,

Causing excruciating pain on a daily basis

 

Just because I have a smile on my face,

Doesn’t mean I am not suffering,

Sometimes I need to push through and pretend,

Even though it is destroying me on the inside

 

You can never judge a person from the outside,

For the inside is where the true inspiration resides,

A book can have the fanciest of covers,

Yet hold no visible substance

 

I have lived my life without always knowing,

For I stumbled through life in a daze,

My diagnosis came when I was older

Yet I still didn’t know what it truly meant for me

 

Only a few short years ago I found another family,

My hydrocephalus family,

They are all an inspiration to me,

For they understand and have embraced who I am

 

They are the such beautiful people

Inside and outside they drive me to be better,

I am blessed to have them in my life

For answers have been found

 

Each day is a struggle,

Some worse than others,

But I have found my home.

Destination: Dark Corners of My Mind

Dark corners of my mind,

Howling winds swirl around

Bringing up the dirt from the floor

Never to be seen by others

 

I am locked away hiding from myself,

For it seems to be a valid escape,

However,

This is not who I truly am

 

My mind has been overwhelmed with so much,

I cannot turn it off,

Some nights I wake up in a panic

For the dark corners of my mind are awake and moving

 

Each breath I take is filled with defeat,

Every dark shadow attacks my will to live

I feel as though I am being pulled to the ground,

Stuck to the ground,

 

Frozen in fear,

I cannot seem to break free,

Locked away in the depths of my mind,

You can try and assist,

 

I am forever lost within the darkness

No matter how hard I try to break free,

Thoughts of darkness rule my mind

Unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel

 

My true self is lost among the shadows

It cannot break the bond

The bond of darkness attached to my soul

I strive to break free

 

My life has been in turmoil,

Stuck like a rat in a cage,

Unable to shake my way out of the bars

As the darkness creeps,

 

I strive,

To,

Break Free,

Loosen the grip of darkness from my throat.

 

One day I might be able to get free,

For now,

My goal is to learn about my darkness,

Work through why I must reside here,

 

One day,

I will get away,

Feel the positivity again,

Now I will just wallow in the Dark Corners of My Mind

Mom, My Inspiration

As I sit here staring at this screen I think of you,

I remember you reading my poems

Always finding the silver lining in the message

Even when the words weren’t right you encouraged me.

 

I have lost an interesting part of me,

Yet gained something I have never had before

You may no longer be here physically,

I know you are around me when I need you most

 

You always drop pennies for me to find,

Whenever I need that extra push I feel your arms around me,

Holding on so tight to remind me I got this

Even though I can’t see you,

 

I always feel my best when you are there,

Smiling down on me and seeing who I have become

My life would not be the way it is without you,

So, I sit here and know you are watching me

 

Today was one of those days I felt you close,

My heart began to beat a little faster,

And I could feel the warmth of your presence next to me,

I know you are always with me no matter what

 

Life has truly shown us a lot of ups and downs

Lately I have been feeling lost within my own mind,

You have a great way of coming along when I need you most,

Times have been really rough,

 

It makes it hard to keep my positivity up,

To keep the smile as being genuine,

Yet,

I am making it through,

 

Your guidance is always there,

Like a GPS for life,

Always showing me the best path,

Even if it isn’t the easiest one,

 

I miss you so much,

I know you are still with me,

But what I wouldn’t give for just one more hug,

Or That’s My Boy!

 

Poetic Rambling v2

My thoughts run,

They continue to strive to break free,

Continuing to push against my brain

Every passing moment another thought wanders.

 

My struggle has become my reality

Each tick of the clock is another lost chance,

I am missing my chance to break free,

I am forever chained to these ramblings

 

My inability to take the time to let go,

To breathe deep,

Letting the silence surround me,

However, the pressure continues to grow

 

I have waited for far too long to release my inner demons,

They are continuing to pull apart the positivity,

Each passing moment is another lost chance,

I need to take the time for myself.

 

One of these days I need to just let it all go,

My thoughts have become my own worst enemy,

With my mind continuing to swell,

Pressure increasing,

 

The pain continues,

My fingers itch to move gracefully across my keyboard,

Releasing the demons into the computer,

Keying the information that has been dying to get out.

 

My inner demons need to be contained,

They have to learn their place,

For now, it is on this page,

Tomorrow it may be somewhere else,

 

For today,

My inner demon is gracing this page,

Showing that I need to take time,

Time for myself away from others.

 

People underestimate themselves,

They don’t see the true beauty in their eyes,

My pressure is finally decreasing,

For I am seeing clearer now thanks to this page.

 

My thoughts are starting to subside,

Things are beginning to rest,

My inner demon can rest again

This is my Poetic Rambling

 

 

 

 

Poetic Rambling

This has been such a wild ride
Each and everyone moment eye opening
I cherish the time I have
Words cannot express how much I miss you

Life is so short
Yet it can be filled with so much
I have seen a lot in my lifetime
Yet I am learning each and every day

My words cannot express my love for you
Every moment I get to walk with you
Makes life worth living
Your smile is precious

I may have lost a part of my world
But I have gained so much in return
My heart has a hole
Yet it beats stronger than ever

I have had a lot of thoughts
A lot about missing my mother
Yet I think of you and I smile
Words truly cannot express my love

This world can be so cruel
Yet I have a way to look beyond
I know that there is so much more in store
Our lives are truly destined for more

Take the time to say I love you
Give someone that long hug
Don’t be afraid to reach out to people
No one deserves to be alone

-Poetic Force